You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize