Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
