cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
