You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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