I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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