Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
