so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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