Got a toothbrush?
i was born a porn star she said
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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