so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry about my life...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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