The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
