it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All the doctor said was why
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
