i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
