Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
