i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
