my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
accomplished twins. life is a go
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
