You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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