Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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