he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
