fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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