Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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