he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
