The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
did i walk over a car last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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