I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
