alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
