She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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