I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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