Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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