its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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