id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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