I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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