I think I died a long time ago.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize