My liver just broke up with me...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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