Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
