If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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