if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How external is "for external use only"?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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