Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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