I love black thongs
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
