i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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