I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
