Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
