I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
