the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
