ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
