You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
