saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
