you win again, gameday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
