The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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