When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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