I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
