Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I want to fling myself into the sun
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
