Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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