his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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