Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
