I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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