Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
