I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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