it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
